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November 21, 2011

Ok…I need to just write down all the problems and hope that it helps me see the whole situation clearer and come up with plans to deal with things. If I can’t come up with any attack plans, then maybe it’ll just help to see everything as a bunch of little obstacles instead of one giant mess that I can’t find my way out of. So here goes…


#1) Relapse that started when I caught that cold hasn’t been letting up because of other factors. The cold is gone but physical problems are sticking around because of other factors (stress, sleep deprivation, other illness ie: food poisoning, and hormones).

#2) Sleep. I do not get enough sleep during the week because of school. Bad combination of too many tests, assignments, and early morning class coupled with a few really long days. Which leads to the next two issues.

#3) Overexertion. I have too many books to carry around all day on my back and too much walking to do to get around school. I’m overdoing it ever day during the week because I’m still struggling around with just a cane.

#4) Stress. There are two classes I’m struggling in, both math heavy. One of them, I am confident I can pass in if I keep up with meeting with my teacher for tutoring (though its in another building so that involves more walking…). The other class, I am passing right now by 1%. I have never done this poorly in college before and it’s freaking me out. I’ve emailed the teacher not long ago to beg for help with some of the content, so hopefully getting some tutoring from that teacher will help clarify things.

#5) The wheelchair issue. My mother had offered to rent a wheelchair or walker for me since I’m having such a hard time with using the cane to get through a day at school. I wasn’t aware until last night that my father didn’t know about it. When I brought it up, he refused stating I need the exercise (he’s bad for assuming he knows all and knows exactly what I’m feeling, and just pushes off anything I say since he feels he knows better). She started snooping around for prices this morning, no idea what will come of it, if anything.

#6) Money. As of last night, I am no longer working. I am broke, and do not get the second portion of my loan until January. So, no way to pay the bills. I’m now stuck relying on my family for financial assistance.

#7) A discrimination complaint. I had to file one against another student after they launched a hate filed rant against me in class for being a “fucking crippled bitch” that deserves to be stared at and treated like something less than human because of my cane. This matter is now out of my hands, I have to wait for the dean to decide how to punish the student. If the student is not expelled, I am expecting them to react physically against me for filling the complaint. This just creates more stress related to school, despite the number of emergency buttons and security guards. The only advantage I have is that if they do physically attack me, I can fight back with my cane if I am knocked down or can lean against something. They can easily take the cane from me though given how weak my grip is.

#8)  Fear. I am scared that if I have to repeat that class I am doing so poorly in, that will just mean more money I don’t have and more time I’m afraid I don’t have. I’m worried that having to repeat a class will have a very negative impact on me getting into other programs, and I’m worried that I will just go further downhill health-wise to the point where I will not be able to use the education once I’m done school. I’m terrified of sinking all this time, effort, and money into education then ending up so disabled after finishing school that I won’t be able to work long enough to contribute anything meaningful to my potential future career or even pay off most of my student loan debts. I am also fearful of my appointment with the neurologist next month. I worry that I won’t be put on gabapentin, won’t have my MRI requisition order changed to include contrast dye which will just delay a proper diagnosis even more, and even worried that the doctor will drop me as a patient and label me with some other condition that does not fit my symptoms, making it even harder for me to find a doctor to listen and get me diagnosed properly. I’m am extremely worried that I will not be given the chance to start a disease-modifying drug soon, and by the time I am given that opportunity it will be too late for it to have any effect.

#9) Loneliness. I’m a bit sick of being single right now. I want someone to just snuggle with, someone that can be a safe place where I can just go to them, shut the world out for a while, and relax. I’m not sure if this will ever happen ever again because of my health.

#10) Situational depression. I can’t deny that I’m severely depressed right now because of everything going on in my life. Once things ease up, so will the depression, but for now it’s almost insurmountable and making it that much harder to do anything.

#11) Moving. Though my odds of moving to a new city to my next program are likely being pushed off by potentially repeating a class or two here, I’m still worried about it. I will have no way to get around besides public transit and that can be a big issue if I’m in a wheelchair. The cost of using public  transit adds up very quickly as well. I will be at least an hour away from family and friends, and will have no emotional support in a new city. All of the potential cities I may be moving to are larger than the one I am in now, with larger campuses so that just means more overexertion getting around school.

#12) Housework. It’s just too much. This house is too large for one person, and definitely too large for one person with mobility and fatigue issues to take care of. I end up spending most of my weekends cleaning up the mess I’ve made throughout the week because I’m just too physically and mentally drained after school to get anything done around the house. So that means less time I can spend studying and doing homework on weekends, which is contributing to me falling behind in that class.

#13) I’ve lost more independance. My dad decided it’s not worth insuring me on the car since I have periods where I can’t drive. I understand his reasoning but it still hurts.


So…what to do. I have to talk to my parents again about money, the wheelchair renting, and help with housework. If they agree to rent the wheelchair, it will help solve the overexertion, which will greatly help out pretty much every other problem. That presents a new issue though since the house is not wheelchair accessible (stairs at both entrances). So, I will have to rely on someone else to get the chair down the steps any time I need to go out. I am going to need a lot of help keeping the driveway clear this winter. I do not have a snowblower, only shovels. Last winter, the snowbanks along my driveway were taller than me.

I have to stop thinking about the somewhat distance future, but not sure how to do that.

I’ve already tried taking steps to help improve my grade in that class, I’m just waiting to hear back from my teacher. I begged for help, I was crying my eyes out when I wrote the email. All of my teachers are thankfully really, really good and very compassionate so it’s really just a matter of figuring out when our schedules will match up to allow a private tutoring session from that teacher. This teacher happens to be the coordinator of a prep program I’ve taken before, so I will be asking her if I can go to the old teacher I had in that program for help with some subjects because he was phenomenal and is one of the best teachers I have ever had. I’ve bumped into him at school a few times and he still remembers me.

I am looking into getting an ereader for next semester once I get the rest of my student loan. I will have to talk to the bookstore staff first to make sure I can get most of my textbooks in digital format. If I can (pretty sure I can), then it will be worth it to not have to carry around a ton of textbooks everyday. It is too late in the school year to rent a locker, all of them are taken already so this is the only other option for that.

I have 4 weeks left in my first semester. It’s too late to try to rearrange everything and work out a new schedule for myself because things have already piled up. I will be using my Christmas break to fully develop an organization plan, schedule, and a new stricter budget for second semester. I have a general idea of how to do the organization plan, just need to hammer it out over break. I cannot set my schedule until I have my class timetable. The budget, I will do over break. I don’t need the extra stress and lost time of working that out right now.

I have to keep a closer eye on my health and diet. I did not realize until yesterday that I had completely screwed up my vitamins. I ended up buying much lower doses than I was previously on, and had started taking those lower doses when I developed that cold. I’m back on my regular doses now so hopefully that will help. I have to make sure I give myself some time to relax as well. I’m really bad for not giving myself some “me time”. Even if it’s just a half hour or hour every second day, it will help.

I need to vent. I need to stop holding everything in and trying to just push through everything all the time. Last time, an idea for a short story came to me centering on all the fears I have around my health and how I feel how what life has been like in limboland, and I need to write that story. Even if it’s just one line per day, it has to come out. I noticed that my grades actually started dropping when I stopped blogging so often. Writing is my de-stress tool and I can’t let myself let go of it again.


From → Journal

  1. That sounds rough. I have no advice other than to ask if you’ve talked to the school to see if there is anything they can do for you to reduce the stress? Or consider a reduced workload if you can?

    I’m sorry things are so tough right now.


    • Well, using a chair at school will greatly help reduce pain and fatigue, which will make it easier to focus and get more done at the end of the day. As for a reduced workload, the only way to do that is to drop some classes. Its so late in the semester now that there isn’t much sense in that. I’ll talk to the teacher of that one class I’m doing poorly in and see if I actually can pass it. if there is a chance I can, there isn’t a point in giving up, I may as well try gunning it through that course.

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