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November 7, 2011

I’m trying really hard to hold on to that happy feeling from yesterday morning, but I feel really sick.

Dizziness started coming and going throughout the day. By the time I was ready for bed, the room would just not stop spinning. It wasn’t just feeling like the room was spinning, it was feeling like I was spinning too in the opposite direction. I had a few tumbles last night. I managed to stop myself from hitting the floor at one point by falling against my closet door with my head. Ended up kinda stuck there, trying to get my balance back, head up against the door looking like an upside down L. Didn’t hit it too hard, no bump or bruise that I can find. Still feeling a bit dizzy and like I’m going to throw up. Spasms in legs, back, shoulders. Face twitches. Slept a normal amount last night and really deeply but feel like I haven’t slept at all. Extremely stiff all over and my arms feel heavy. Feeling so weak I can barely lift them. That horrible overall aching isn’t getting worse but it’s not getting any better yet. Been getting some ice pick headaches again.

Was trying to get some work done when the dizziness got really bad. Would read one sentence, and halfway through it I would forget the first half of the sentence. Had to read how to do things I can do in my sleep over and over again because I just couldn’t remember how. Would finally manage to hold on to what I was supposed to do, then would forget what element I was working with. Checked the element, then forgot what I was supposed to do. Same thing happened for math. I would try to write something, and had to check everything I wrote several times to make sure it made sense. Would look at keyboard, sound out what I wanted to say, and something totally different would come out. When trying to write something down, I ended up sitting here for a good 10 minutes trying to remember what letter the word “iodine” starts with. It’s hard to explain…it’s like….I’d sound out the word, the “i” sound would click halfway, and I knew it was a vowel, but I couldn’t grasp that the “i” sound is the name of the letter. I would write it out in my head and I kept replacing the i’s with lowercase L’s, but I knew that wasn’t right but wasn’t sure why. I knew it was similar but it just wouldn’t click that I had to cut off a bit of the top of the l and stick a dot up there. When I finally came back to me I felt like such a moron. Some things are kind of funny though. I find myself some times confusing English grammar with that of other languages. I can’t remember what word it was, but I remember writing “the” then try thinking to myself “that’s not right, the gender of that is all wrong. Wait, what is the gender for that noun? Oh wait, English doesn’t use genders.” I was thinking I had written “le” and wasn’t sure if I should have used “la” instead.

It’s really hard to get myself out of bed. I’m not sure how many times I hit snooze today. Cognitively I’m sharpest in the morning though, despite being exhausted. Will have to start going to bed extremely early and getting up really early to do homework at that time instead of in the evening when my brain has checked out.

I’m starting to worry that I’ll screw up what I want to say when I go see the neurologist in December. Will have to get it all written out on a clear day soon so there’s no miscommunication. Spell checker in my browser is telling me I spelled miscommunication wrong, but it’s right to me…I think. I’m really not sure if that’s spelled properly…and none of the suggested spellings make sense to me. That’s not me. All the typos and crap that you see in this blog isn’t me, my spelling used to be flawless.

It’s going to be a very long day. I have a long break between classes, and I have to do groupwork during that time. I’m  not sure how helpful I’m going to be. I just want to go back to bed, I’m so tired. I don’t know how I’m going to manage carrying all my books around all day, they’re so heavy. Tried to lift my bookbag and barely got it off the ground. I might just go see the disability counselor on my break if I can. I want to find out if getting my GP to sign my form is alright even though it was the neuro that diagnosed the trigeminal neuralgia. One of my teachers offered to set me up with my tests in a separate room so there is no distraction when I’m writing a test. I said no, I didn’t need that, but maybe I do, I don’t know. I want to talk to the counselor first, but I might end up sobbing to her cause I’m just so bloody exhausted. I’m not depressed. This physically sucks but I know it’ll get better soon, especially the spasms, I’m just so tired. Ever been that tired? When all you want to do is sleep and the thought of doing anything else makes you want to cry? It’s horrible.


From → Journal

  1. Yes, in fact, I have had that feeling. I relate to you badly, and I beg for you to get your sleep. It so consoles, so repairs. Take care of yourself. Put you first!

  2. I’ve been having trouble staying on my feet as well… keep stumbling, for being, slipping, and ending up like that upside down “L” you are talking about especially when I am trying to get dressed. Kind of funny that our first instinct is to protect ourselves with our heads and necks rather than just letting ourselves just fall… LOL… I’m about to write a new entry about it all right now but hang in there, you’ll make it through this!

  3. Hahahaha I hadn’t thought of it that way before, it is weird isn’t it? Maybe subconsciously taking out our anger our brains and spinal cords? 😛

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