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So sleepy

November 1, 2011

So. Freakin. TIRED!

I’ve been awake for about half an hour and I’m still in bed. Trying to work up the energy to get to the shower, then coffee (who am I kidding, I won’t be doing anything without coffee first). I can hear the cat’s bell jingling every now and then outside my bedroom door. She knows I’m awake and is getting pissy because she hasn’t been fed yet. It might sound odd or depressing but sometimes the cat is the only reason I get out of bed. It helps to have something other than plant that relies on you for its well being.

I was so frustrated last night before bed. I was rocking my math stuff for a few hours and doing really well, then I just hit a wall. I could not understand any of it again, drove me nuts. I’m probably not going to do well on this assignment or the test today but I’ll try to shake that thought out of my head. No self fullfilling prophecy. At least I can spend a few hours in the lab. I can prop myself up on a stool, pull up the bench, and just hover a microscope for a while preparing slides. That should help me mood (dorky, I know). My back and legs got so sore last night I had to keep taking breaks from studying to veg out in a massage chair.

I got my applications in last night for next year. I still applied to the BScN even though I know it’s likely I won’t do it. Applied to two other programs in another city, both 3 years long and both lab based. While hobbling around the house last night to get my things packed for today, I fell. Lost my balance and fell shoulder first onto the recliner. Managed to cling on with the other arm for a while and tried to pull myself up onto the chair, but I couldn’t, so I just dropped. Using the cane I semi-crawled-semi-pushed myself to the coffee table and managed to get to the couch. I sobbed for a while on the floor and just wanted to give up. I wanted to just drop out, go to bed, and just stay there. Felt so helpless. I’m not sure which would have been worse: not having help getting back up like I did, or having someone here and having to ask for help to get back up.

My legs are surprisingly calm spasm-wise. They’re extremely tired and sore and I kept getting muscle burn last night any time I got up, like I had run a marathon (makes sense since my legs were constantly moving all day long). The pain and mobility problems of spasms I can handle, it’s the eventual fatigue that comes from my legs burning up so much energy that gets me. I’m absolutely drained. Legs feel…weird. I feel stiff all over but weak at the same time. Squeezing feelings all up my legs, in my hands, and last night I started getting the hug again. Doesn’t seem too bad so far today (the hug that is) so I’m hoping it stays that way.

While I’m exhausted, sore, and just want to sleep, I’m focused. I have my list of things I have to do today, and I’m not doing anything else. Stick to the list. I have to go to my classes (and am NOT wandering over to the library for a study group again, sticking to my building), then go home. Once I get home, it’s time for a bubble bath (hopefully that’ll help me relax), then straight into bed with my computer and books to get some assignments done. I have to do my presentation tomorrow. I was fine with it before and still am fine in terms of public speaking, but I’m dreading it in terms of standing up for that long and having to burn all that extra energy to appear all chipper and whatnot. Anyone that pulls any BS on me like yesterday gets their toes “accidentally” crunched under my cane. So sorry, didn’t see you there.

I’ve been trying to work it so I bring as few books as needed every day. Today is a good one, just some notepads and a lab manual. If I could get a later ride, I could skip my first lecture and have more time to get ready, but there is no way I can get a later ride, so I have to start getting ready now (2 hours to get ready now, including my half hour of laying in bed building energy, that’s pathetic). Gotta start doing some more exercises and stretches this weekend. I’ve been slacking off on my morning stretching because of lack of time and energy. Need to fix that.

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