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October 31, 2011

Just…bad day. I’m in such a rotten mood. Finally getting something to eat helped a little bit but I’m just so damn grumpy and bitter right now.

The day started out well enough. I didn’t use my cane in the morning, and someone even pointed it out and seemed all happy about it. Most of my legs are fairly numb, so while I was still having lots of mild spasms I didn’t really feel them. The spasms just got deeper and more plentiful as the day went on though, and both legs got really weak and extremely sore fairly quickly. By lunch time I was back on the cane. I kept trying to keep up with everyone else and ended up stumbling and nearly falling over and over again. The pain and fatigue really got to me and I started getting really grumpy.

Being grumpy made me notice all the bad things a lot more like people staring at me. When I was leaving a class, I had to get through a crowd of people waiting in one hallway to a heavy door then down a set of stairs. This was back to back class time so I had to get to the top floor quickly. A group of classmates were ahead of me. Normally the POLITE AND CONSIDERATE thing to do is to hold the door until the person behind you grabs it and holds it open for themselves, especially if they are right behind you. I’m stunned at how inconsiderate these little fuckers were.

I was just steps behind them, and they dropped the door on me. It’s a damn heavy door, it closes quickly, and as it was closing it smashed into my right arm, which is the arm I hold my cane with. I had my heavy bookbag on the left arm. The door hitting me completely knocked me off balance and I fell against the door. The people behind me didn’t want to wait for the CHICK WITH THE BLOODY CANE to catch her balance and just shoved the door open from behind me. I was leaning on the door struggling to catch my balance when they did this, so I fell backwards. Only reason why I didn’t fit the floor is because they were just so close behind me I hit one of them instead (good, hope it hurt a bit). I looked back before the morons behind me shoved the door out from under me and it was a full hallway full of students just staring at me.

Then, I get to the elevator to get upstairs, and who is waiting for the elevator? The group of rude arsehats that were infront of me and shut the door on me. They were all laughing and going on about how much it sucks that they have to do soooo much walking. One of them looked at me and said “ya screw it I’m just gonna walk, the elevator is too small and I don’t want to be an asshole”. If you don’t want to be an asshole, don’t close a door on someone with a cane. If they had taken the elevator, I would have had to have waited and been late for my class because there was just too many of them, there is no way all of them could have fit. I get to the top floor the same time as them, and one of them is still bitching about how it’s not fair that they have to walk so much. Then they saw me, I got ahead of them, and I heard snickering and giggling behind me.

I’m so pissed off. I want to to just scream at these people. Not fair that you have to walk so much? Ok, let’s trade! You’ll even get to use the elevator. I would much rather be able to sprint up a few flights of stairs like you can. I would love to be able to go for a walk whenever I want. I would love to be able to get around my own home without fear of falling or pain. I would love to not have the thought of eventually being wheelchair bound in my head every fucking day. I would love to be able to go a single day without spasms, muscle rigidity, and having my legs go so weak I can barely stand up with assistance. I want to get up infront of the entire class, raise my cane, and tell them all “this should be you, not me. You have no appreciation for the things you have now, like a healthy body, so you don’t deserve to have it”.

Ugh….I feel so drained. I think seeing the mri images and the whole mess with my legs has started the whole grief cycle all over again. Definitely angry and a bit depressed. My concentration is shot, and it’s showing in my grades, especially math. It’s like…it starts to click and by the end of a lecture, I get it. Then I leave class, go sit down elsewhere to get some work done and it’s all gone. It’s like I never learned anything. Every single time I go to a lecture or try to do my homework, it’s like I’m learning everything from scratch all over again. No glimmer of recognition, nothing. I’m screwed. I have a test tomorrow, and an assignment due. I can’t remember how to do any of it without reading (and translating) the book for at least an hour. I’m going to have to find somewhere quiet and close to my class tomorrow to study right before the test. I hate doing that, I never study right before a test (or even the night before) because it makes me second guess myself and I screw up and just bomb the whole thing. I have to go through the book again, translate it all into english, write it all down step by step in plan english, and just read it over and over and over again. Ugh and a lab tomorrow….normally I enjoy labs, especially biology. I’m dreading just getting around the lab while holding a sample and using a cane at the same time with all those insignificant morons running around. If someone smacks into me or shuts a door on me again, I don’t think I’ll be able to hold my tongue. I’m going to end up telling someone off sooner or later. I kind of want to go see my old teacher and talk to her about all this, but I don’t know why. Not sure if I want advice or just want to vent.

I can’t believe it’s only Monday. I just want to stay in the house by myself all week. Tomorrow is going to be so draining. Hope I can get to bed really early. I just want to sleep.

Oh, haha, I forgot. Was sitting in a lecture half paying attention to the content, half paying attention to my foot that was on the verge of charlie horsing. Didn’t really pay attention to the odd, jerky, rocking movements of the rest of me. Teacher noticed it though. She was explaining something and asked a question (I didn’t even hear the question), and she mistook my movements for nodding in agreement. She called on me. “You’re nodding, you understand, want to answer the question?” Oh dear lord. I didn’t know what to do, just shook my head and slouched in my seat. Embarassing much? It was really hot in my last two classrooms so that didn’t help at all. I hate the heat so bloody much…


From → Journal

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