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I hate it here

October 3, 2011

I’m so fed up. It’s been a long horrible day and I’m in a really rotten mood. Work SUCKED (do you have any idea how hard it is to put on a pair of vinyl gloves when you can’t feel most of your hands and keep dropping things?), I feel like crap, and I come home to find that my fridge isn’t working. Then I realize that half the house doesn’t have power. There is a breaker that is overloaded and need to be replaced (really, the whole house needs to be rewired and get new insulation). I know it’s going to be a fight over who should pay to fix the breaker. I just want out. I want out of this house, out of this city, out of this worthless body. I just want to start over. I’m at my wits end. And of course, tomorrow is the longest day of classes scheduled, including a test and 3 assignments that I have to get done (one of which is already late). Then I have to do an interview for one of those classes later on in the evening on my own time. I just want all this shit to stop already.

Spasms in my feet spread up to my legs and now the left side of my abdomen. It’s starting in the other leg now too. Spot in my neck and middle of my back are on fire and every part of my body that I can feel is tingling. I don’t know how the hell I’m going to get through the rest of the night and tomorrow. I have to find some way to get all this work done when I just feel like giving up, then make it through a long day with no sleep. I calibrated my thermometer and SURPRISE! it’s off by a few degrees so I’ve actually had a low grade fever for a while now. I keep getting chills, I feel like I’m going to throw up. If this shit keeps up I’m going to end up in the hospital, I need to just focus on getting healthy again, but I can’t because there are just too many other things that need to be done right now.

I’ve wanted out of this house for a long time, but I’ve let myself be guilted into staying. The rent I pay helps pay for my grandfather’s fees in a long term care facility. Without that rent money, he has no where to go. I don’t know what the hell I’m going to do. I hate it here so much. I can’t take care of it all on my own, the insulation is so bad that I end up with lung infections in the winter (last winter I actually had condensation on one of the walls in my bedroom), there are so many electrical problems I’m stunned that the place hasn’t burned down yet. I just don’t know what to do anymore.


From → Journal

  1. Big hugs 😦 I hate feeling like the shit just keeps piling on…especially when your body is failing too. I’ve learned to prioritize my battles & just take baby steps in the right directions but it’s still frustrating & overwhelming at times.

    • Thanks. I’m feeling a bit better today now that I’ve finally gotten some sleep (5 hours, but still better than none). I’m terrible at picking my battles, I want to fight them all 😛 I need to work on that lol.

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