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eye troubles

September 29, 2011

Oh my, this is a problem. Lots of trouble with my eyes today. If I look straight ahead then slightly up, I’m ok (so when I’m talking to someone, I look at their eyebrows to see their eyes clearly). Still grey though. Definitely got some weird tunnel vision going on: anything around that one clear spot is fuzzy, peripheral vision keeps switching from just blobs to fuzzy. If I look left, I get a wicked headache and feeling of pressure behind my eyes and things start to….move. Move like they’re separating and about to double, but before it gets to that point the pressure and pain get to be too much so I look straight again. Just the headache and pressure when I look right, no moving or doubling.

My fingers are really numb and clumsy today, but I need my sense of touch for the lab this afternoon. Going to have to explain to my teacher that I have a sensory problem, so my results may be skewed because I need to take take measurements once the substances are cooled but they may still actually be hot (just feel cooled to my touch). Keep getting a random violent tremor in my left hand that lasts a few seconds at a time.

Have to get my eyes checked asap and see dr kickass if they eye dr can’t figure it out. Should also see disability services at school or at least write an email to my teachers explaining this.

Will edit an image when I get home to show what my vision looks like.

Posted with WordPress for BlackBerry.

UPDATE
Quick update (have lots of work to do before I go to bed so I’m rushing). Can’t edit the image to show you how I see things, not right now anyway. Maybe the weekend if my eyes improve or I have more time to really focus on it and have someone else look at it to tell me what it looks like. Have an appointment with a disability counsellor at school next week, booking eye exam tomorrow afternoon (it was too late to call by the time I got home). The experiment I was worried about is not happening until next week so no injuries to report. The grey is changing. It’s like speckles now. Like everything is flicked with thousands of drops of opaque grey paint. Anything white has a tint of yellow now. Ibuprofen is helping a bit with the eye pain but not the sense of pressure around and behind my eyes. Getting really dizzy and disoriented when I look left. Edges of my vision are dimmed a bit more (still not gone entirely, but it’s definitely darker then it was). The darker it gets outside, the worse it gets so not going out at night for me until this settles itself. Have a really hard time looking at streetlights and that sort of thing. The light just grows and blurs. Feel a bit sick to my stomach from how disorienting this is. Legs starting cramping up badly after class. If I hadn’t had something nearby to grab onto I would have fallen on my arse again, they are very stiff and sore right now with lots of squeezing. Nervous about getting my eyes checked and asked a friend to come with me. I don’t usually have anyone come with me to appointments unless I need a ride there. I don’t want to go blind. I don’t want to not be able to see what my little brother looks like as he grows up. I don’t want to have to rely on my hearing and touch; they both suck as it is. I’m scared, stressed out from my health and schoolwork, and I just want to go lay in bed and cry. Almost cried several times at school today but somehow managed to hold it back. I can’t just go lay down though, even though I really need it (more mentally than physically). I have too much work to do…I have too much to write, even though just to write this I have my face hovering over the keyboard of my laptop and the screen magnified. I don’t want this. I want to go back to when I could just ignore it and it would go away on its own. It won’t ever go away. It will only get worse. No matter where I am or what I’m doing, the words “no cure” are constantly echoing through my head.

I have to stop this. I have to stop sitting here crying, suck it up, and get back to work. I said this would be short. I have to focus on my schoolwork and not my health. There is nothing I can do about my health at this point, but there is plenty I can do about my grades. Have to stop worrying about things that I can’t control…

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From → Journal

2 Comments
  1. (((Hugs)))
    We all have little bouts of depression. When we lose an ability its like losing a best friend whom we relied on our entire life so we need to mourn the loss like a death. Sometimes those friends come back from the dead though so we got that goin’ for us 😉

  2. thanks. you’re right, every lost ability is like mourning a death….i hate this so much 😦

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