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It’s just a dream…

September 3, 2011

Last night was a lot of fun (despite the powering going out in part of the city while I was driving; no traffic lights and people start blowing through intersections not realizing they’re supposed to treat it as a 4 way stop). I ended up not getting any groceries done because I knew I wouldn’t have the energy to do both grocery shopping and girly time shopping, so I have to leave soon to do that. I guess I’m getting better at counting my “spoons”.

I had a really horrible nightmare last night though. I dreamt that it was time to get my second MRI done, but when I went upstairs from the imaging department to the MS clinic, my doctor wasn’t there. Some sort of emergency, she had to rush off and I had to see a replacement.
He wouldn’t tell me anything. He looked rushed and panicked. He flipped open my file and said “oh….Uhhh I’ll be right back” then came back in with two blister packs of medication. He told me “start taking these right away, don’t wait a few days or whatever to start taking them, you need to start taking them TODAY.” I asked what they were, why I needed them, what did the test say? All he would say was “The test…..well it was BAD, so you need to start taking these right away until we can get more tests done.” I left the hospital very confused. He would not tell me what the drugs were at all and would not say what was on the MRI. Just that I needed to take those mystery pills immediately and that I had to come back to see Dr. Kickass for more testing as soon as possible. I kept trying to look up the pills (the pack had a name printed on them but I can’t for the life of me remember what they said) but nothing ever came up, it was like the pills didn’t exist. In the moments before I woke up, I was sitting in the back seat of my dad’s care, my entire family in the car with me, asking me if I was going to take the pills.

I guess I have been worrying about the second MRI and have been pushing it into the back of my mind a bit too much. I’m really not sure which was more unsettling, having to take medication without knowing what it was, or knowing that the test results were bad but not knowing why. I’m just glad to be awake now. Everything about the dream was just so upsetting. My older brother was particularly adamant in me taking the mystery pills; I think that just goes to show how things have changed since all this started.

Ever since I started seeing an MS specialist, he has gotten more involved. It’s not that I have a bad relationship with him or anything; we get along just fine, have a fair amount in common personality-wise, we were just never very close (neither of us are the “let’s all hold hands and share our feelings” type). It doesn’t help that we’ve lived in different cities for a very long time now. Usually only get to see him on holidays, but apparently he wants to come down for my birthday this year (which is really unusual). My sister seems to be back and forth. She’s seen me get really bad, but she avoided me completely during that several month long attack once my health hit a certain point (to the point where if I had gone over to her place with my parents, she would not even look at me or say hello. In the beginning before it got really bad she helped me out a bit though and took me to appointments and such). She’s definitely the most emotional of us, so I can’t imagine how hard it is for her. It hurt a bit at first, but I understand. Things have improved now thankfully. My little brother doesn’t really know what is going on because of his age and condition, but he knows that sometimes I can’t play with him the way I usually do because my legs “don’t work too good sometimes.” That breaks my heart more than anything else….my parents are still back and forth. Dad frequently asks how “the old bones” are (he has fibromyalgia so he knows what it’s like to constantly deal with pain), mom hits bouts of denial really hard sometimes and just brushes me off like there is nothing wrong and I have nothing to worry about (I know that she’s just scared though. She saw the most of it when I was at my worst).

Ugh, why did I get into this? I was just going to write an entry about that nightmare. Anyway….I gotta go get my shopping done and head over to my parents place for dinner and mmmm early birthday cake. No idea if my older brother will actually show up or not, we’ll see (he’s notorious for claiming he’ll come down to visit, but rarely doing so).

 

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