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It’s called the suicide disease for a reason

July 28, 2011

I’ll get into the details of the attack later once I’ve had some sleep, I just need to vent a little bit right now. I’m just starting to come down from the worst TN attack I’ve had so far. I double dosed and that still didn’t take all the pain away.

Normally I’m a fairly happy person, especially considering the circumstances. I’ve got a lot to look forward to, great friends and family. Sure, I’ve had some shitty things happen in my life, but who hasn’t? There are plenty of people that have had it far worse than me. For every bad thing that has happened in my life, there are several good things. I like who I am, I know I’m not perfect, but I’m comfortable with my faults. During my attack tonight, the pain was so intense I thought about killing myself.

Now that the pain has subsided a fair amount, I’m not thinking about that. It was just from the pain. I wanted to take every single pill I have in my house and go to sleep forever, just to stop the pain. Before that thought entered my mind, I was going to write an entry explaining what the pain felt like. But, the sound of the keys clicking made the pain worse. I tried to record a video instead, but I couldn’t talk. I couldn’t write down what I wanted to say on paper and hold it up to the camera because I was shaking so badly from the pain.

I know a lot of people, especially health care providers, tend to shrug off chronic pain conditions. Just because you can’t imagine how bad the pain really is, doesn’t mean it’s impossible for someone else to feel that pain. The experiences of others is not limited to your own experiences.

Anyway…I’m exhausted and feeling really sick, so I’d better get to bed before I throw up. A detailed entry on what this attacked felt like should be up tomorrow, shortly followed by an entry on what it feels like to be trapped between two illnesses with no diagnosis and no help.

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From → Journal

9 Comments
  1. joy permalink

    I’m so sorry, I read ‘what is TN?’ and it sounds so unimaginable and awful. I don’t know if you believe in God but I prayed for you. I can tell you I’ve had cancer, and so I know there’s categories of people who understand, and the rest of the people, do not understand and can slight you about chronic pain and lots of stuff, it’s awful. So I feel for you. I hope it gets better for you. I’m so glad you like yourself, that’s definitely a blessing and gift to have and be thankful for, I think most people only dream of liking and accepting themselves.

    • Thank you. I don’t believe in god but I appreciate the sentiment 🙂 Congratulations on beating cancer; I’ve lost a few relatives to cancer and it always makes me exceptionally happy to be able to talk to people that have beaten it 🙂 It’s definitely a bit of a comfort to have people in your life that either understand your pain or at least take it seriously, but as for those that slight you for it? Bah, forget them 😛 The way I see it, they don’t feel it, they can’t understand it, so I’m not going to waste my energy trying to make them understand if they really don’t want to 😛 If they don’t like me because of a chronic pain problem, well that’s their problem not mine 😛

      • Sorry I just came across that I commented on this & I’d forgotten to click to be notified so I didn’t see your reply till now, I just wanted to say yeah you’re right, thanks for saying that, and I’m glad you are happy for other people that have beaten cancer, you’re a strong person for being able to embrace others tragedy gratefulness and luck while you have lost people, I think time isn’t an inevitable help to plant that in everybody.
        I hope for some kind of relaxation and refreshment for you. You’re clear off amazing for exhausting through TN. Stay tough ❤

  2. I have patients at work who suffer from chronic pain and I’m so glad I can relate. Some of these people have been shrugged off by their doctors because ‘maybe they shhould get off their asses and exercise’ or ‘its all in your head’ etc. Never having experienced chronic pain or illness means you are not allowed to judge. I NEVER had suicidal thoughts until I got MS….sometimes I just want to disappear to make it all go away…… luckily I’ve been holding steady at ‘nearly normal’ for a couple months now.
    I pray for some relief for you…..TN sounds like a fucking nightmare 😦

  3. It definitely is a nightmare, but there is a good side (I like to think there is always a good side of things): when I have a day or two completely free of attacks, it makes me appreciate things more. Being able to do something like brush my teeth or sit infront of a fan without fear is quite the feeling 🙂
    I can’t stand it when people brush off those of us with chronic pain problems. Yes, exercise will help in some cases if it is done properly, but in other cases it will do nothing at all or make the problem worse. But being hounded constantly and having someone question the pain without understanding the situation is incredibly frustrating and stressful (which again, in some cases can make it even worse). Thankfully the patients where you work have someone there in the office that understands.
    Thank you for the prayer *knock on wood* I’m having a good day today and did yesterday as well, so maybe this round of attacks is over and the TN has gone into remission.

  4. I’m open with all our patients about my MS. I do believe it helps them feel understood (we have a lot of patients with fibromyalgia and many with peripheral neuropathies). Most people don’t understand fatigue & ‘cog fog’ (or ‘fibro fog’). They just think you are lazy & stupid or dim witted. On bad days, I can’t even decide what underwear to put on and by the time I get them on, I’m exhausted…..
    The bright side for me right now is that I can help these peoople by relating to them. I can also cook dinner, do dishes and take my dogs to the park. Its the little things sometimes 🙂

    • I completely agree with you about the little things, they’re so important. I can’t stand it when people think the cog fog is just laziness, I don’t bother explaining to those people because they usually just don’t want to understand. It gets so frustrating when people change plans at the last minute too; they just don’t understand that people with conditions like these need to plan everything out carefully to make sure we don’t run out of energy (or “spoons” 😉 lol)

  5. Janai permalink

    This post struck a chord with me, stay strong and thank you for raising awareness of TN. Until you’ve felt that debilitating pain and had those desperate thoughts its difficult to understand, but your post has really helped me feel better after hours of attacks today.

    • I’m glad it helped, even if in just some small way, but sorry to hear about the attacks 😦 Do you mind if I ask how long you’ve had trigeminal neuralgia for?

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