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This is I don’t know what

July 17, 2011

Well it’s been an interesting few days. I didn’t sleep Friday night because I was in the waiting room in the labour and delivery department at the hospital from about 2am until 730am for a friend (no baby yet! come on bean, get out of there!) The lack of sleep brought out a lot of pain for me. Shocks in my face again, I couldn’t lay down without pain in my face, and I kept feeling like my neck and legs were being stung by wasps. I got that pain behind my right eye again and my vision went a bit blurry. My legs started to cramp up and spazz even though I was sitting down. By the time I left, I knew the baby wasn’t going to be coming and I knew everything was ok, but I still felt like a total jerk for leaving. Mum, unborn bean, and daddy are back at home and all is well and they understand why I left but I still feel bad for it. I just needed some sleep and I would feel fine…

So I get home, and the entire neighbourhood started mowing their lawns in succession. Once that stopped, my neighbours started doing some more work in their driveway that involves a whole lot of bricks and a saw. So, I couldn’t sleep because of the noise. Since I still don’t have my air conditioner in, I couldn’t close my windows to block the sound out or it would have gotten insanely hot in my house. I gave up on sleep, popped a painkiller, and ended up just vegging out on my couch for most of the day in scrubs with ice packs stuffed into the pockets (feels so damn good) and had a little Nurse Jackie marathon. Ended up going to my parents place for a BBQ because I was just too exhausted to cook.

I slept like a rock last night though, that was nice. Unfortunately I’m still grinding my teeth and clenching my jaw, especially when I’m tired. The mouthguard is still causing sensitivity so I’m not using it anymore. During the day I have to keep the tip of my tongue sticking out between my teeth a little bit so I realize when I start to clench my jaw. Thanks to having a wisdom tooth in on the top of my right side but not on the bottom, I’ve had a massive amount of pressure on my bottom jaw and the gums in that area so its a bit puffy and wore. Once I’ve been up for a while though and have had my jaw apart for a while that goes away. My right side always seems to clench tighter than the left, so I end up feeling like I have a knot in the right side of my jaw.

As long as I’m well rested though, no shocks of pain in my left side. It doesn’t hurt to eat, doesn’t hurt to drink (regardless of temperature), doesn’t hurt to touch that side at all or any of the teeth. I’m not sure if sucking on those teeth will cause pain though because I’m just too damn scared to do it. When I had L’hermittes, I kept looking down to see if the pain and tingling would come back each time. With this, the pain is just too damn intense and I’m terrified of it coming back for days at a time again. Right side is not a problem at all, I can suck on those teeth but I’m just too scared to do it on the left side. The little bit of suction of inhaling from a cigarette (ya ya, I know, I’m still working on it) doesn’t hurt, but I haven’t tried drinking through a straw yet (again, just too damn scared to do it). I’m trying to work up the nerve to do it, but I just can’t. I start to suck on a tooth a little bit and it doesn’t hurt, but I’m scared to go any further.

Thanks to the lack of sleep, all the pills, and how little I’ve been eating lately (the BBQ yesterday was my first solid meal all day) I’m feeling pretty weak, a bit shaky, and a little sick to my stomach. Once I get some more food in me though that should be fine, just gotta get my blood sugar stabilized.

Now, onto Wednesday. I’m freaking out. I’ve been trying not to think about the appointment, and I never think anything more of it than “Oh I’ll have to talk to the doctor about this symptom and that sensation.” It’s kind of hitting me right now that ya, she probably does have my MRI results (FINALLY!), and it’s not just going to be another discussion about symptoms and maybe another exam (which I’m not looking forward to, I’m really hoping she doesn’t have to poke me in the eye with a tissue again). It’s like…this is it potentially. In just a few days, everything can change drastically. It doesn’t feel like I’m going to get test results from a doctor, it feels like I’m going to find out if I’m going to get a life sentence from a judge. I’m still worrying about whether or not anything showed up on the test or not. If nothing was there, where does that leave me? I’m assuming I won’t be seeing that doctor anymore since she’s so specialized. Will this peg me as a faker if the tests were clear? Will she keep testing to find out what is going on? Will my family doctor stop taking me seriously? I know this is real, that pain…that pain made me do things that are out of character for me (leaving my best friend at the hospital, popping fistfuls of pills, doing drugs), I wanted to shoot myself in the face when the pain was at it’s worst. Besides these symptoms I’m happy with my life. I’m excited to start school again, I have great friends, a great family, and I hate being treated like I’m fragile and damaged so I sure as hell don’t want the attention. There are so many different things that can happen on Wednesday, I hate the fact that it’s completely out of my hands. What if she couldn’t get the MRI results? Are we going to give up on getting those results and have to start all over again?

I think I need to just push this out of my mind right now. My house is a disaster because of how things have been the past few days and it’s driving me a bit batty, so I’ve got to get that straightened up. Once that is done, I need to either open the paints again or pick up my bass. I don’t care if my fingers won’t cooperate, I just need the stress relief from it.

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