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Here comes the rain again…

July 11, 2011

Horrible day. Bad allergic reactions so I have rashes all over my legs. Way too hot, way too humid, stupid thunderstorm looming all day is just starting now. By noon I felt, looked, and sounded drunk. Had to have someone speak for me today. I knew I was being asked a question. I knew I was supposed to say something but I didn’t know what cause I didn’t understand what was being asked. So much pin pain, can’t take it. So hot out today…tried ice packs, but so hot I can’t stay cooled off long enough. Right eye pain again, ice pick migraine when I look down and painful pins. I can’t feel my fingers again, even my right hand. My legs hurt. I was starting to feel so good then this. One thing after another, feels like I just can’t win. Never expecting test results because of the horrible dr. quack and mri clinic. How long do I have to wait before I can get help? I’m sick of being told “you’ve had it for 8 years, a few more days/weeks/months should be fine.”

NO IT FUCKING WON’T BE FINE. I’m sick of being robbed by my own body. I can’t even relieve my stress anymore. I can’t play my bass or keyboard, I can’t paint. I want to scream, I want to hit something. I’m sick of not being able to fix this on my own, and I’m sick of people asking if they can help when they know they can’t (doing it just to be polite I suppose, but it’s friggin frustrating). I need to put my air conditioner in. But, I can’t. I can’t lift it anymore. If I had someone help me or lift it for me, I have nothing to seal the gaps in the window with because my fucktard of an ex threw out all the foam bits for it. Part of me wants to go out tonight with my friends, and I probably will (someone else will be driving and we’ll be in airconditioning so it’ll do me some good). I just don’t want to give in to this and let it stop me. I don’t want to hide something that is out of my control to avoid making strangers uncomfortable. You wanna stare and give me dirty looks because I’m shaking or stumbling? You’d damn well better be ready to explain your snotty attitude to me then cause I’ll call you on it. Part of me just wants to stay in a cold dark room somewhere and sleep for a few days. Not because of fatigue, just to stay away from people because people are just too damn irritating right now. I’m sick of catty little bitches. I’m sick of explaining things to people knowing that they will never understand and will never care to even try to understand.

Times like this I dread school. Last time around I was the person that told people to STFU or GTFO during class cause they wouldn’t stop yammering on about mindless bullshit while I was trying to listen to a damn lecture. I’m going to be surrounded by morons and drunks again. Screw them all. Only way I’m dealing with any of them is if I’m forced to in a group project or to make money off them tutoring their lazy asses. I really can’t stand stereotypical college students. I hope sometimes university will be better, but it won’t. Especially since I’m stuck being on the same damn campus (university offers my RN course through the college so they can make more money by having more students). I want to get out of this place so badly. I hate it here, I always have. I can’t stand this town, everything about it is a deadend. It hurts to think that I’m stuck here for another 5 years until I’m done school. I think it’s time to start looking into a different university in a different city. I know it’ll cost me a lot more in living expenses, I’ll be further in debt by the time I graduate, but I’m just so damn miserable here it just might be worth it. Not to mention experience. I’m going to be stuck doing clinicals at the hospitals here. The hospitals here are just…ugh. While there are a handful of good staff, the vast majority of them are burnt out assholes. The amount of staff bitching I had to listen to during my first placement had me leaving the hospital each day struggling not to chew out one particularly lazy, loud-mouthed PSWs. Geeez this province needs to regulate PSWs already. We need to get people like that the hell out of this field. Ugh….lots of rambling, I know. I need to vent and the words aren’t coming out of my mouth so well. At least with typing I can spellcheck things so it’s somewhat easy to understand. I try to keep telling myself that it’s just a bad day with a really bad trigger and it’ll pass, but screw it. I have the right to be angry about this, and I’m not going to push it down, that’s just going to make me feel worse. I think it’s time for an ice cold shower and a violent video game.


From → Journal

  1. Vent, bitch, cry, get pissed. Don’t ever bury it. When I feel like shit the LAST thing I want to hear is any sympathy from people who just don’t get it (or anyone at all really). Being sick fucking sucks, there’s no way around it so leave me alone and let me get through it. The most frustrating thing for me is the heat….I get so angry whn I’m hot & can’t cool off. Best thing ever is my rolling a/c unit. Just stick the hose out any window. No lifting. Before that I would hibernate in the dark and/or take cold showers (and I hate cold showers…..)
    I wish I could help you. I sincerely do.

    • Comiseration helps. Its nice to hear from someone that really gets it. A rolling ac unit would be awesome, but school stuff is eating up all my extra money. So disappointed that I didn’t go out last night, I was just too exhausted. Its fairly nice out right now, but its going to either get worse than yesterday or finally rain all day and cool off more. Hate being at the mercy of the weather. Have some leftover leg pain from yesterday, mild tingling, and numbness. That’s all, the rest of the nightmare from yesterday was all heat induced. This is just insane. Going back to the ms clinic next week and I’m hoping the mri results are finally in, but I’m not counting on it. Been disappointed so many times already, don’t want to get my hopes up. Sad that getting results this long after a test is considered getting my hopes up, that should never be. I just don’t want to have to fight it all on my own anymore.

  2. I hope you get some answers next week. Knowledge is definitely power when it comes to these fucked autoimmune diseases. Without a diagnosis, we can’t get the meds we need.
    We got the rolling a/c from a very generous friend/couple as a wedding gift last summer. They knew how miserable I was (I worked for them & had to quit after my MS really kicked in). I have always hated the heat but now its frustrates the hell out of me. My legs turn to jello and my bladder stops wanting to hold anything and I get fatigued and grumpy (among other symptoms) and I’m totally useless….. I live in a region that doesn’t get too hot for very long so I got that goin’ for me.

  3. Another thing that sucks is resting. UGH! I don’t want to just sit & do nothing but sometimes I have too (and really its the best thing for me sometimes).
    In my wedding vows I said to my husband, “I promise not to resent you for making me rest” which got a good chuckle out of a few folks 🙂

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