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No, it’s going going to be OK

June 22, 2011

Spiraling through the grief cycle again, let’s spin the wheel and see where we land! *Rrrrnnnnnn nn n n nnnn nnn nnn tck tck tck tck*
Let’s see here, we’ve landed on…anger! Tell em what they’ve won Johnny!
Well Fred, looks like our contestant has won an all expenses paid trip to hateville! Hateville: where everyone will tell you that you’ll be OK and you’ll want to punch them in the face. Back to you, Fred!

I started feeling really pissed off last night. I ended up kinda flipping out about about a situation a friend is going through and ranting about what a jackass a certain someone is. I got really worked up like this situation was new to me or something despite knowing for years.
I have to bit my tongue now anytime tells me “don’t worry, you’ll be fine”. No, no I won’t. Even if it’s not MS, I won’t be OK.

Whatever this is, it’s gotten worse every time I’ve had an attack. I went from some shaking, fatigue, and aching muscles to not being able to walk or think. How the hell is that OK? If it’s not MS then what the hell is it? If it is MS, then no it’s definitely not going to be OK since it’s a progressive disease for a lot of people and for me it’s been left unchecked for 8 friggin years. Everything is just pissing me off. I’m pissed off that it’s taken this long to get this far, I’m pissed that I’ve waited over a fucking month for MRI results, I’m pissed off that I ran out of milk this morning, I’m pissed off that everyone keeps telling me “Oh just don’t worry about it you’ll be fine”.

I hope this passes before I get to the doctor. I don’t want to be confrontational with her, that doesn’t do anyone any good. I keep trying to just take a deep breath but it’s not working. All I can do now is get ready to leave and listen to some nice, soothing German metal to vent from frustration. I’m so nervous about this appointment I feel like I’m going to throw up so I guess I’m just focusing on whatever other emotion shows itself first. Just happened to be anger this time. Oh well.

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