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Preparing for battle

June 21, 2011

I intended to be fading into a blissful, carefree, sleeping pill induced rest about 3 hours ago. Time passed by much quicker than I realized, and I didn’t want to take a sleeping pill too late and end up having a hard time waking up tomorrow. So, now I can’t sleep.

Tomorrow is the big day, the trip to the MS clinic. I’ve been wandering around the house doing meaningless little tasks, trying to do as much as I can tonight so I won’t have much to do in the morning. Stupid little things, like laying out my clothes and setting out breakfast stuff. I’ve checked my bag at least 5 times already to make sure I haven’t everything I need to bring with me to the hospital. As if somehow getting all these stupid things done ahead of time will better prepare me for what could happen tomorrow morning.

I kind of had a little freak out earlier about tomorrow. I didn’t cry, I didn’t get angry, I didn’t start wondering why me, it just kinda sunk in a little bit that this is really happening. I’ve been separating myself a lot from the situation emotionally, throwing myself into nursing mode I guess. Just thinking about everything in cold, clinical terms. “Lesions in the brain” not “lesions in my brain”. I don’t think it’s fully sinked in at all that this could be MS because of that. I’m wondering how I’m going to react tomorrow.

I don’t think I’ll freak out on the way to the doctor. I’ll be too focused on trying to remember the right turn off to the hospital. In the hospital I’ll be too busy trying to find the clinic since that place is a maze and I have no idea where it is other than what floor it’s on. Once I’m sitting in the waiting room though it’ll probably hit me.

While I’m grateful that I had a doctor be honest about what is going on with my health and that this is something that has been intentionally sought out instead of found my mistake, part of me wishes it was the other way around. I’ve had a lot of time to think, research, get involved in support groups, and all of that has been extremely helpful (though I think it has made it easier to throw myself into nursing mode instead of really dealing with it all). It’s not denial, I know I’m not well, it’s just…I dunno. Almost cutting the ties between my mind and my body I guess? It’s hard to explain. If this is MS and it was found by accident instead, I wouldn’t have had time to build up that barrier so I would have had to have dealt with it.

My parents still seem to be fighting tooth and nail to stay in denial. I’m not quite sure what they think is going on. I think they both know that something is really wrong but they just aren’t ready to accept that it could be something incurable. It doesn’t help that they both still have that knee-jerk reaction to MS from back when there really weren’t any treatments for it.

I think I’m just going to lay back and read a book until I get tired enough to fall asleep. I’m halfway through Veronika Decides to Die and it’s really good, I’ll probably finish it tonight.


From → Journal

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