Skip to content

Have you met the elephant I keep in the corner? I named him Charlie

June 11, 2011

So after a bit of drama and having my ride to the birthday party ditch me, I managed to get to the party and it was really fun. The birthday girl was super cute in the most adorable little dress I’ve ever seen. I got to see people I haven’t seen in a very long time, I’m glad I went. There was a bit of awkwardness though because of my tremor.

I’ve come to accept that it won’t go away this time. It’s been coming and going for 8 years, and it’s been here this time since the end of March. I think it’s safe to say, it’s decided to stay. It’s not noticable if I’m not doing anything as it’s an intention tremor not a resting tremor, but you can clearly see it when I eat or drink. Eating and drinking require a lot of focus for me now. I have to time my bites and sips just right, and I need to watch what I’m doing to make sure I actually hit my mouth (since I’ve had problems with being able to sense the location of parts of my body at times, even more so since I have numbness in my lips as well. I have ended up pouring drinks down my shirt because despite what I thought, the cup was nowhere near my mouth). I’ve always been a slow eater (I like to enjoy my food, not inhale it) but now I am even slower. I am always the last one at the table, and I get a bit self conscious of the way I shake sometimes. It’s not bad enough to completely stop me from doing anything, but it is enough to make fine motor control difficult (ex: it takes me a few tries to do up a zipper now).

I didn’t notice anyone staring or anything while I was eating thankfully. Since everyone there was already aware of what I’m going through and the fact that I possibly have MS, it wasn’t stressful or overly uncomfortable. It did get me thinking though:

What am I going to do if I go out on a date?

I don’t think something like this is appropriate first date conversation since it is pretty overwhelming and they may end up just seeing a disease and not getting to know me for who I am. With a tremor though, it’s obvious something is wrong. I think I would willingly trade tremor for some other invisible symptom like permanent l’hermitte’s because of this. I’m trying not to think about this whole dating thing too much. I’m going to be very busy over the next few years and will be pouring most of my energy into school (though mind you, I told myself that last time and I ended up dating a classmate). I can’t help but wonder what the best way to handle dating with a chronic illness is (I know that really there is no best way, it all depends on the person…), how to meet someone despite being sick, and even the possibility of dating someone else that has a chronic illness or even the same one I have (would probably be a horrible idea, but at least they would truly understand, right?)

Anyway…apparently plans got changed around and I think I might have to work tonight instead of going to see friends 😦 I’m going to try craming some physics (ugh) until it’s time to leave.


From → Journal

  1. I have a lot of trouble dating even though I’m very healthy. It’s just a hit or miss experience no matter who you are.

  2. Very true. The hard part of it now for me is deciding when it’s the right time to tell them and how to tell them about my condition.

  3. I think you are a wonderful person to relate to. You’re understanding of others with the hope they will be understanding of you. I think that’s a great condition to have. Too bad I’m not a guy. lol

  4. Why thank you 🙂 I seem to have two modes in terms of relating to people, I’m either in selfish mode or “nursing mode”. Since hindsight is 50/50 it’s a lot easier to understand where someone is coming from after the fact. When everything is going down though, completely different story (I have a pretty short fuse when in selfish mode :P)

  5. I can speak from first hand experience, there ARE dudes that are loving, understanding, sweet and caring that will be all ears when it comes to what you need and who won’t give a shit if you limp or trip or say the wrong words or shake when you eat (and they’re not all mushy-lovey-eyed-sticky-sweet push overs either)
    Before my husband and I were engaged, I wet the bed…..with him in it. No joke. And he still married me. There is someone for everyone out there and they show up when you least expect it. I don’t envy anyone in the dating pool, able-bodied or not. Dating sucks.

  6. Yes I agree, dating sucks!! I envy anyone who doesn’t engage in this type of torture. As for being selfish, I don’t really think selfish people ever admit to being selfish. I can tell you are a young girl who has become aware early in life by overcoming difficulties. Your husband sounds like a great guy.

  7. Dating doesn’t have to suck entirely. As long as you don’t expect every date to turn into a relationship and you just focus on having a good time for the moment you’re in, it can be pretty fun. Mind you there are a lot of weirdos out there and I’ve dealt with my fair share of them (note to the single guys: if you’re going on a lunch date, don’t get drunk). I’ve backed away from the dating scene though. I’m not going to put any energy into actively looking for a date when I can focus that energy on other things. If something comes up then sure I’ll be open to it if the circumstances are right, but I’m just not going to look for it.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: