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May 26, 2011

Ahhhhh this day started out so good. So, sooo good. Sure my legs hurt a bit and I had some cramps and a headache but it wasn’t crippling and I made it through the day again without a cane. My favorite kind of weather all day (oooo thunderstorms), was nice and relaxing, then I tried calling that bloody doctor and went to work.

I am absolutely fed up with that doctor. I called, no answer. Left a voicemail, never called me back. I’m not asking for results over the phone or any long conversation, just answer one freakin question: do you have my results or not? A simple yes or no, that’s all you’ve got to do. I’m calling again tomorrow, and if they don’t answer or call me back, I’m going into the office on Monday and asking again in person and will be taking the report and disc with me. Enough time has passed now that this delay in getting my results is either laziness or spitefulness. It’s not my fault you’re incompentent, get over yourself. You may not take my health seriously but I sure do and I’m not going to let you play games with my brain anymore. I’m really starting to take my GP’s advice to heart right now: “speak up, don’t be shy, don’t let them miss anything.” I guess when she said that she didn’t realize what a stubborn, pushy little bugger I can be but she’s the same way, so I’m just trying to fill in her shoes right now.

Now, onto work. It’s bad enough that it’s really hot in there and I’m moving around a lot. It certainly doesn’t help that I have to go up and down a very steep flight of stairs when heat is bringing on vertigo (I had to cling to the railing for dear life and descend with my eyes closed be cause watching where I was going was too disorienting). The last thing I need in this situation is being subjected to an uber religious psychobabble lecture about how there is really nothing physically wrong with me, I’m just mentally ill. What a kick in the teeth that was. “Oh you’re clearly just depressed, I can see it. Just look at how irritable you’ve been lately”. Explaining that I’ve been irritable lately because of pain didn’t help. That just egged them on further. “Oh well you’re only in pain cause you know, depresson causes chemical imbalances and blah blah blah synapses blah blah and you know it doesn’t matter what tests you get done they won’t show anything because this is God’s doing and no one knows why he does what he does blah blah blah”. Here’s the thing: if you’re going to try to give a technical sounding excuse behind your reasoning, MAKE SURE THEY MAKE SENSE. Especially when you’re dealing with someone that, sorry to sound like an egomaniac here, knows a LOT more about anatomy and physiology than you. Those chemicals you rattled off that cause depression when they’re imbalanced? They don’t cause depression, you got them mixed up with other chemicals. Your shaky description of the proper function of a synapse makes it really clear that you know nothing about the structure and function of a healthy neuron and probably think that nodes of ranvier are something in a new fangled computer. You have never even read a single book about anatomy or physiology; I scored higher than the maximum amount of points in my anatomy and physiology class because I aced everything AND the bonus questions on exams. I know what I am talking about so please don’t try to act like you know more than me. I know this rant makes me sound extremely full of myself, but I am very confident in my A&P knowledge and at least can admit when I’m not sure on something and it really REALLY irks me when someone tries to not only tell me that it’s all in my head but also tries to act like they know more than me when they clearly don’t. I’m not even going to touch on the religious aspect of that lecture, I’ll just say that this person knows that I am an atheist and find no comfort at all in any spiritual beliefs but that does not stop them from constantly trying to bring up how religion has all the answers and I just need to believe. This is not done in a gentle caring way, it is done in an aggressive, pushy way. When I said “OK we need to change the subject because this is stressing me out and making me feel like garbage” (with my leg now very visibly spazzing out), they just pushed the topic even harder. Seriously, when I tell you to back off, BACK OFF.

And then of course I get home, looking forward to being free of that and just sitting down in my PJs and relaxing, what do I find in my bedroom but a big honkin spider. Since my depth perception isn’t the greatest I ended up missing when I tried to whack it with a broom and it just ran away. So now the worn out, feeling like garbage side of me is saying “go to bed” but the irrational arachniphobe in me is saying “DON’T GO TO SLEEP OR THAT SPIDER WILL CRAWL INTO YOUR MOUTH AND LAY EGGS IN YOUR EARS!!!” Ugh. I think I’m just going to work on some lyrics, maybe do some drawing, and wait for that eight legged piece of evil incarnate to show itself so I can turn it into a creepy little pancake.

Deeeeeep cleansing breaths. Iiiiiiinnnnn and oooooouuut.

OK, I’ve had time to cool down and something dawned on me. Those that know me well personally are aware that I get very over the top when I’m really frustrated. This isn’t because of an inability to control my emotions, I do it to try to make light of the situation (note the title of this entry and the absurdity of the bit about the spider, I don’t actually think the spider is going to lay eggs in my ears). This might take some getting used to if you’re not used to dealing with quirky weirdos like me 😛 I’m just one of those odd people that when they aren’t sure what else to do in a tense situation, they crack a joke to ease the tension. I know a lot gets lost without tone of voice and body language to emphasis this though so I’ll try to keep it to a minimum from now on in the blog and save that weirdness for the amusement of my friends (note: try to keep it to a minimum, can’t guarantee it won’t slip out :P)
I ended up spending the last little while reading up on things and I had a bit of eureka moment in regards to some things that I’ve gone through in the past. I hadn’t even thought that these things could have been caused by my health and it created a lot of problems in the past since it was chalked up as something emotional instead (specifically, relationship problems). This is a really REALLY personal subject and it’s something that a lot of people tip toe around, but I will do an entry on it because well, it’s therapeutic for me and if it didn’t click for me until someone else said it, chances are there is someone reading this going through the same thing that it hasn’t clicked for yet. That entry will be discussing sexuality, and I know a lot of people are uncomfortable with that and some people reading this that know me personally might be uncomfortable finding out some of the details so I will put a warning in the title and the beginning of the entry incase you want to avoid that entry. But for now, I need to get some sleep.


From → Journal

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