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The source of suffering

May 18, 2011

I haven’t been feeling too great the past few days. The little bit of time I had to be pain-free is gone now. I tried to just power through it yesterday and that ended up placing me laying on the couch for the rest of the night. Since this episode started I haven’t had a single day where I felt normal again (though it’s been close). This was never really much of a problem in the past so I’m worrying about being like this forever now. While my legs feel stiff again and very sore (back to that feeling like I ran a marathon after spending months in bed), the spasms are few and far between (though they are still very intense). They’ve been coming up behind my knees, so the milder ones stop me in my tracks and the intense ones drop me to the ground. The fatigue could be a lot worse but it is still there. I don’t seem to be as foggy as I was before though my short term memory hasn’t quite recovered fully yet. I have a constant tremor now but it’s mild though still noticable. The twitching in my face has been almost constant and has gotten stronger. It’s irritating enough to keep me awake at night, and that funny bone type pain is there constantly.

Considering how long ago all this started (about 8 years), that makes me think that whatever it is (MS or not, we’ll find out this week hopefully) it was/is moving slowly. So…if that neurologist had taken me seriously when I first saw him, who knows what state I would be in now. Maybe I could be doing better than I am right now if I had started being treated years ago. It’s going to be very hard to bite my tongue and not tell him off when I go in for my “results” (I do not trust his opinion so I will not be going by what he says showed up on the MRI). If he starts to give off that “it’s nothing and you’re just hysterical like all women” attitude I will not be able to resist telling him that I will be filing a complaint against him for negligence. I’m going to be asking him for the copy of my MRI disc so I can see for myself, and because I don’t trust him to have it sent to the new neurologist. I’ll deliver it myself, thank you very much.

Anywho…I’ve been trying to think of what could be triggering all this (still desperately clinging to the idea that there is something I could do to stop this on my own) and the only thing that is coming up is anxiety and overdoing it. But, since seeing the ER doctor in big city hospital the anxiety has been soothed quite a bit (he was just that damn good, plus having the second opinion set up with a new neurologist has been a huge relief as well). The only things I’m kind of worrying about right now are just waiting for the MRI results and getting too far ahead of myself worrying about insurance (I get a health plan once I start classes in a few months though). I know I should buy a plan right now before I get a diagnosis (too many insurance companies will refuse to give me a plan because of a pre-existing condition), but I just can’t afford it. As for overdoing it, I can’t just sit here and let my house become a mess. It’s bad enough I still have dishes from lunchtime yesterday that haven’t been done yet (I’m going to have to sit in my computer chair again to get those done), it’s driving me nuts not being able to keep my own home clean to my standards (yes I am a bit of a neat freak). My bed hasn’t been made in over a month and I absolutely hate that (must be the PSW in me coming out, got so used to having to make beds with no wrinkles in them and whatnot…for those in other countries or are unaware, PSW means personal support worker, pretty much a nurse’s aide). My mother has been helping me out with some things on occasion (like laundry and dishes) but I hate asking for help (damn my foolish pride!) I finally managed to get my shower cleaned the other day and I was too bloody sore and tired afterwards to get anything else done.

At least I’m not as angry as I was yesterday. I just felt so fed up of everything I started getting snarky with everyone (including the prime minister via twitter) so I tried to just avoid dealing with people as much as I could. I started writing up some drafts yesterday about various topics I want to go over in this blog so they should be up sometime this week (the main things I want to talk about are the reactions other people have had to this condition and what I’ve done over the years to cope with all these problems). I’ve been coming across a lot of blogs that have been really helpful for me lately so expect my blogroll to get longer (added Matt’s Multiple Sclerosis yesterday, I highly recommend it). It’s a bit tricky finding other people to relate to though. It seems that all the ones I come across are at least a year past their diagnosis, I’m having a really hard time finding people that are stuck in diagnostic limbo like I am (so if you find any blogs like that please post a link). That’s all for today I guess, hopefully the rest of your day will go smoothly.


From → Journal

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