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Take a deep breath

May 10, 2011

I’ve calmed down a bit since my last post and have been thinking a bit and well, since I have nothing else to do right now really, I might as well write a bit more. I’ve got a lot on my mind so this one is going to be a bit rambling.

I’ve been lacking in updates because I’ve been feeling pretty negative. I noticed that most of my posts were showing that so I decided to back off for a bit just to keep this blog less depressing I guess. Looking back now, that was a mistake. I shouldn’t have let all my anger and depression build up like that. If I hadn’t kept pushing everything down and painting a smile on my face I probably wouldn’t have had a breakdown in the doctor’s office today. I kept trying to stay positive, focusing on how I’ve managed to adapt to things instead of the reasons why I’ve had to adapt and it wasn’t working very well. I was able to pretend I was managing just fine on my own when other people were around, but once I was alone it was so hard to do anything. All I could do was sit and think about all these symptoms and how hard it is to do just about everything now. I’ve been snapping a lot lately at family and friends and I think I could have avoided that by letting myself vent more.

I’m going to try to let myself vent more in healthy ways instead of letting everything build up. I’m just too tired to fake it anymore. Everyday things take an enormous amount of energy and willpower now, so I’m pretty much burnt out. I don’t feel my age anymore, it feels like I’m about to turn 80 or something. The little bit of time I have to feel kind of OK (early mornings and late evenings), I’m just too tired to really enjoy it. By the time I build up the energy to get anything done, it’s noon and too hot (heat is most definitely making me worse). For the past few years I’ve had a really hard time in the summer. Once it gets hot out my legs cramp up more, I get migraines constantly, and I’m just tired all the time. Kind of makes me wish I lived a bit further north.

Having to sit back and watch life instead of take part in it has made me pay much more attention to the way other people treat eachother though and it’s kind of disgusting. Today when I was leaning on the receptionist’s desk waiting to get checked in, I heard a conversation between two women in the waiting room. I know I get stared at a lot and I just don’t care anymore. Yes it’s rude, but it is kind of odd to see someone my age in a condition that is normally only seen in the elderly. Those two women in the waiting room didn’t see that though. All they saw were my jeans.

I am fairly short, so all of my pants require hemming. With jeans, I don’t bother though. So yes, my jeans are frayed at the bottom, big deal. These two women started loudly discussing why the bottom of my jeans were ripped.

“Look at that…why do people keep wearing jeans once they’re ripped?”
“Well you know, that’s the style now. These kids even spend hundreds of dollars to buy jeans that already have rips in them”
“Pfff, ya and who’s money are they spending on these things? Mommy and daddy’s money I bet, definitely not their own”
“Ya no kidding. To be fair though some of them pay for it themselves….they just don’t pay for anything else”
“Ugh, I know right? Why should they have to pay for rent or food or geez even their cellphones. Their parents have to pay for all that and they throw a fit if they have to spend their money on something useful”

I was too exhausted to address these women. But seriously, are you kidding me? That’s what you notice? A bit of fraying at the bottom of my jeans? Nevermind the fact that I can’t move one of my legs, can barely walk, and clearly have a problem with tremors. That’s all you see, what I’m wearing, and feel that you can loudly declare me to be a spoiled little brat? How sickening can you be? Once I pulled out my phone to check the time to see if I was late for the appointment, well, that just proved their point to those ladies. After all, how on earth can a young person have a cellphone without their parents paying for it? Sorry “ladies”, I take care of myself. I also have a bit more respect than you do. If the roles were reversed I wouldn’t be having a loud conversation about how horrible you look in those sweatpants and how you must only be wearing them to hide the fact that you’re wearing an adult diaper, cause you know, clearly all older people use those things
Thanks for assuming I’m a teenager though, I have to admit that felt kind of good. Nice to know that some people think I still look young.

Anyway….speaking of young. I was scooting myself into the dining room on my computer chair (after wheeling myself down the hallway humming row, row, row your boat, which made me chuckle for some reason) and I looked up and saw a young girl with what I assume was her mom riding bikes down the street. I don’t quite know why but it made me smile. I miss jogging and riding my bike, and I certainly miss being a kid. For the past while anytime I’ve seen something like that it’s made me resentful, but not this time and I have no idea why. Maybe it was a reminder of better times, maybe it was just nice to see someone enjoying themself without any worries, I don’t know. It seems like everyone I know is going through something bad lately so ya…I dunno, guess it was just nice to see some happiness. It started making me think about having kids though.

For a while, I did want to have children. But I thought about it a lot, and before these symptoms started coming back, I decided I didn’t want any. I liked my life the way it was, I had big plans, and I just didn’t want to have to give anything up to have kids. It’s selfish but hey, at least it’s honest. Now, I know that I most definitely will not ever have children. It would be way too stressful, which would make me sick again, and I wouldn’t want to put a child through seeing their mother in this much agony. That and I have no idea if I even want to bother ever dating again. I just have too many other things to focus on. At this point, it’s not fair to the other person to get involved then to have to hit them with a diagnosis. After I have a confirmed diagnosis and if I can get this under control I might consider it, but then it becomes an issue of when do you tell the other person? I don’t think it’s something that should be shared right away since well, then you run the risk of them not really getting to know you and never giving you a real chance. Then if things do go well, and they react to the diagnosis well…is it really fair to them to get involved knowing that you’re going to get worse? After all, they were looking for a partner, not someone they would have to take care of eventually. I’ve brought this up before briefly with someone and their reaction was “well if they really love you it doesn’t matter.” I disagree with that. Even if you love someone, if you have to give up a lot of things that you love to do and have to take care of them all the time, it’s natural to end up feeling resentful because even though they can’t help it, they’re taking more than they are giving back. I dunno…something to think about I guess.

I think that’s enough rambling for tonight though. Time to get things in order for tomorrow and get some sleep.


From → Journal

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