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You win some, you lose some

April 28, 2011

Today has been a draw I suppose. While picking up a hot mug today I burned my fingertips, which normally sounds like a bad thing but made me insanely happy since I actually felt it. This is the first day since my arm froze up for 5 hours that I’ve been able to feel my fingertips, though I do still lose feeling in them from time to time. Still though, feeling is coming back so that’s a good thing.

I was pretty much tremor free until a few hours ago, but since I’m going to bed sortly I don’t mind (I’ve gotten used to falling asleep while shaking). It was nice to go throughout the day without shaking. My legs were a bit worse than yesterday though. It’s gradually gotten worse throughout the day to the point where now when I stand it feels like all the muscles in my legs are being pulled off my bones, crumpled up into a ball and rolled around in broken glass. My left thigh looks a bit like it is having a seizure from all the muscle spasms but at least they are painless, just irritating. The vertigo is less frequent but more intense (I had a little tumble in my bedroom a moment ago but thankfully I caught hold of the bed so I didn’t hit the floor hard).

Having my fine motor control back completely drove me into starting a few drawings I’ve been wanting to do for a while now as well as a few extra things just for fun, but unfortunately an extremely vital part of the program I use (the brushes) completely died suddenly and I don’t have the energy to fix it right now so it can wait until tomorrow.

I’m starting to get a bit anxious about starting pre-health in September. I’m trying to think of ways I can stop any symptoms from interferring with school and for the most part it will hopefully be ok (I’m hoping I have some understanding professors that are OK with me recording lectures if I end up unable to type or write from tremors). As for the pain, well I’ll just have to suck it up I suppose. Good thing it’s all class and lab time for a year so I’ll be sitting down. I’m a little bit worried that some of my forms for my student loan got lost in the mail but I won’t find out until sometime in June if they got through.

The worst part of it though is the 4 years after pre-health, when I plan on taking the bachelor of science in nursing program. I have to get a minimum 2.6 GPA in pre-health in order to be considered for it, but I’m not overly worried about that as I’m a nerd that enjoys science classes (though if symptoms like fatigue and pain get to be too much I’m worried they will interfere with my concentration). I’m not sure what I’m going to do if I don’t have a diagnosis and *hopefully* a treatment before I’m due to start BScN. If I can’t stop shaking how am I supposed to put in an IV or foley catheter without hurting the patient? Even basic wound care of a little wound could be painful for the patient if I’m shaking badly enough. And how am I supposed to make it through clinicals, where you’re in your feet running like mad constantly, if I can barely stand for 5 minutes? I’ve already given up on another career goal because of my health (I was going through the application process of applying to be an air force medic, but I could not get my heart rate low enough and I started having my first episode in a very long time). I applied for the paramedic program here in town but gave up on that before I even got a letter from the school about my application and went with pre-health instead. I’m too bloody stubborn to give up on every single goal I’ve set up for myself so I’m not giving myself the option of dropping my RN goal.

I think I might be thinking a little too much right now. Time to shut my brain off and get some sleep.

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