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So tell me why should we stay a prisoner of today?

April 5, 2011

So in my first post I mentioned that this blog is named after the Billy Talent song of the same name, that there was a good reason for this, and that I would explain later. Since I have some time to kill before I go to the doctor and I’m feeling quite angry right now over this whole situation, I figured I would put my energy into doing something productive and do a writeup explaining the significance of this song for me. I’ll take you through the lyrics line by line explaining how I interpret the song. Keep in mind that I am aware that my interpretation of the song varies from what it means to the songwriters. That’s part of the beauty of music, everyone takes what they need from lyrics, so please no comments ranting about what the song really means and how I’ve missed the point of the song. That said, if you want to hear the song yourself, this song off their first self titled album released in 2003 (track 11). Lyrics will be in italics with my interpretation immediately after.

Prisoner of Today – Written and performed by Billy Talent

I never bite off more than I can chew, but then she came and bit me. I never bite off more than I can chew but then she bit my leg

I’ve always did my best to just power through things like injuries and various other emotionally difficult situations. This particular illness though is almost too much, it’s made me unable to perform certain tasks at times (tasks like walking). The “she” in this section for me refers to the illness.

She said “don’t wanna work I wanna play and live my life like it was Sunday! The only problem is that Sunday only comes now once a week and I’m a freak but…”

This condition (again, the “she”) makes it very difficult to work. Sometimes it makes it extremely difficult to do anything but lay in bed (which is generally something most of us can only do on Sundays). Obviously this is completely impossible the vast majority of the time (Sunday only comes once a week). I also tend to get a lot of stares in public because of the tremors and other visble symptoms, and for some reason the stares are usually pretty hostile (people look at me like I’m offending them somehow), making me seem like a freak.

We’re breaking up the city, no time to waste away. So tell me why should we stay, a prisoner of today

When I’m having a really bad episode, there are places that I can’t go either because of accessibility issues or because I’d rather just avoid all the stares. This makes me break the city I live in into different zones: no-go zone (like the mall), only when necessary (the grochery store), or anytime is ok (friends places). The longer I wait the get diagnosed, the longer I wait to get treating, leading to more potentially permanent damage. Time is ticking, and I don’t want to waste anymore of it.

As for being a prisoner of today, that really is the best way to describe a condition like this. I never know what will trigger it so I have to make the most of the times I’m feeling well. I’m stuck giving up long term plans I’ve had because I have no idea what physical condition I will be in. The part that really struck me about this part of the song though is the “we”. I had never really thought of how this condition affects my family and friends, but it does. It affects them anytime I have to cancel plans because I’m not well enough to go out. It would affect them if I just kept letting things slide, hoping it would go away on it’s own, because if it does end up causing permanent damage it limits the things I can do with them. That line right there is what finally pushed me to go see my family doctor.

My body’s tired, my souls excited and I wish that I was gifted. My body’s tired, my souls excited and I wish I had some spunk. She said “I wanna run, I wanna hide, and leave this place just like it left me. The only problem is I need to find the balls to follow through and that’s the truth…”

Ever feel like you have bounds of energy, but your body will not cooperate? That’s what its like. A tired, broken body, but your mind is perfectly fine. When I think of being “gifted” I think of being well, normal. Having a body that works properly would be a gift in my mind. In the past I would get really passive with doctors (like many of us do), so if I maybe had a little spunk things would have been addressed properly.

Sometimes I really do wish I could just run away from my body and hide from it. After all, it’s ruining me in many ways so I wish I could just leave it behind for something more functional (leave it behind like it left me).

The biggest problem I had with all of this was that I had to get over my fear of potentially being diagnosed with an incurable illness and just stop saying I would see my doctor and actually do it. Doing that required acknowledging that this illness has gone on so long without treatment is mainly my fault, and that is not an easy thing to accept. While I do still get quite angry at the first doctor I saw about this (as demonstrated in the previous post), I do recognize that I should have stopped forcing myself to adapt and just gotten help earlier.

A prisoner of no time for one another…

Cause this is our time, this is our time, this is our time into space. History I, history I, history I can’t erase. But this is our time…

I’m sick of being a prisoner of my own body. I’m not going to keep shrugging it off anymore, not just for myself, but for my friends and family as well. I should be in the prime of my life right now, I should be enjoying life as much as possible with those that are important to me and I’m not going to let this condition rob me of that time anymore. I can’t ignore the symptoms that have been steadily growing worse over the years, but at least I can push to have something about it done now and stop losing so much time.

So uh ya, that’s why that song is so important to me and why I named this blog after it. It’s also why I’m actively seeking a diagnosis now. So thank you Ben, Aaron, Jon, and Ian.

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From → Journal

2 Comments
  1. Although we dont lnow eachother at all, I am out here hoping for some sort of good news in your bad situation. I am new to blogging and started one to talk about being really angry about having Rehumatoid Arthritis and having it change everything I do. I understand on some level of sameness what you are saying and feeling. Good luck on finding out whats happening to you and what you may be able to do about it.
    Melissa “positivleyvogel67”

  2. Thank you Melissa, it feels really good to hear from someone that can connect to my sitation on some level 🙂 Your comment has definitely helped lift my spirits today. I can’t even imagine what it must be like for you; a have a close relative with rhuematoid arthritis and it’s hard to watch how crippling of a condition it can be. I wish you the best of health and the best of luck with your blog 🙂

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